May 072010
 

It’s that time of year again, where everywhere you turn there are reminders (usually in pink) that Mother’s Day is soon upon us.

And I have a lot to celebrate—a fantastic mom, a terrific mother-in-law, two wonderful three-year-olds. But the people I can’t celebrate with are never far from my mind.

I have been thinking about Sam and Emilie more than usual lately. While spending time with friends and feeling thankful for the job of motherhood, watching my living children running across the playground. While chatting with another mother whose loss is more recent, reflecting on what it took for me to earn those motherhood duties.

Mother’s Day was hard when the world didn’t consider me a mother, and it’s hard now when the world considers me a mother of two. The fact that I’m a mother of four will always make the holiday bittersweet.

•••

And if you’ve ever wondered why I’m so quick to blab about our reproductive struggles, here’s a more eloquent reason why than I could ever create (via a little pregnant, and made for National Infertility Awareness Week):

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=11214833&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=ff0179&fullscreen=1


What IF? A Portrait of Infertility
from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

This? This is so spot-on that I’ve cried every time I watch the video. The loss of Sam and Emilie was by far the worst experience of my life, so much so that it often overshadows our other losses and infertility. But all of that stuff really sucked, too. The drugs sucked, the lack of insurance coverage sucked, the hopelessness and waiting and resentment sucked. Infertility can be a lonely and isolating condition, and if sharing my experiences can help make even one person feel less alone, then I will continue to blab and blab and blab.

  4 Responses to “Mother's Day: Still Kinda Sucky”

  1. WOW. That video is simply amazing. Being part of the ALI community has made me aware of just how large an issue infertility is and has given me more appreciation for my children than I could ever have known – I may have lost Quinn, but I am so very blessed to have 3 living children who we were able to conceive without ART.

    I SO get the bittersweet feelings that come with Mother's Day and I SO wish the rest of the world got it as well. Gentle hugs to you.

  2. Great video, so so true. I remember the days and try my best to remember those who wish they were celebrating Mother's Day at all or with all there children.

  3. I'm not sure what I should put here, but wanted to let you know that I read this post.

    Happy Mothers day, you are a mother to 4, no doubt about it.

    love you. xoxox
    ~emily

  4. Thank you for sharing this video – it's a amazing.

    Thanks for so often putting my thoughts into words.

    Thank you for sharing yourself – the emptynesses and the fullnesses that make you and your family who you are.

    <3 Christen

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