Dear Henry and Eleanor,
Look, kids, I know you can do a lot. A lot.
You can explain the difference between an herbivore and a carnivore.
You can run, jump, stand on one foot, and slide on the tallest slides at the playground.
You can careen your tricycles across the driveway better than Helio and Danica.
You can create impressive imaginary set-ups involving monsters named Frankie, a dinosaur or two, and Lightning McQueen.
You can dress yourself, despite the occasional Kris Kross homage.
You can count to diez in Spanish.
So seriously, JUST POOP ON THE D@MN POTTY ALREADY.