Jul 262011

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. I’m here! I’m alive and sore and a former uterus owner!

I like to picture my uterus now living a happy, Golden Girls-like existence with my other evicted organs. Somewhere, Appendix, Left Ovary, and the Fallopian Tube sisters are all sitting on the lanai sharing some cheesecake. Uterus shuffles in, adjust her glasses, holds up her hands and starts, “Picture it…Jennifer’s abdomen. 1986.” and they all have a good laugh over the fun they had back then and how big of a slut Appendix was. Left Ovary doesn’t get the racy humor and starts rambling about her small town, and then the Fallopian Tube sisters dispense sage advice with their husky voices while they swish around in their caftans.

And I just re-read that last paragraph and want to assure you that I stopped taking my Vicodin a few days ago. I promise.

So anyhow, the hysterectomy is over and done and went off without a hitch. I’m still the proud owner of part of a cervix; there was too much scar tissue left from my c-section to take it all out like my doctor wanted.

I’m sorer than I expected to be a week and a half after surgery. I tend to underestimate laparoscopic surgeries, since my incisions are so little. My incisions don’t hurt, but my belly still feels like it got kicked around in a bad bar fight. I’ve had pretty bad insomnia since the surgery, like can’t-fall-asleep-until-6am kind of sleeplessness. Which is good because I’ve been able to do a lot of reading, and which is bad because I’ve also done a lot of late-night Netflix streaming of Hoarders and now have to fight the urge to shower in bleach.

The best thing that’s happened is that my pathology report came back stating I showed signs of adenomyosis, where the uterine lining grows into the muscle. No, I hadn’t ever heard of it, either. But I was so happy to hear that news. It gives me a reason why things were the way they were, that my cycles that I thought were bad actually WERE bad. None of my other reproductive stuff ever really had a reason or explainable cause, so it’s nice to finally get a reason for something.

And the BEST best thing that’s happened is that I have a bright, shiny new iPad to replace all the other pads I no longer have a need for. Andy is the best husband ever and surprised me with one in the hospital. It’s so awesome, you guys. I’m surprised I haven’t tried to make out with it yet.

And the BEST BEST best thing that’s happened is that Andy and I have had zero buyer’s remorse since the surgery. We were a little worried that afterwards we’d be all, “well shit, we kinda wanted to use that uterus again.” But we’ve been totally at peace with things and confident we made the right decision. Which is a great way to feel, by the way.

So in a nutshell: good surgery, good result. Although I’m a little worried that Superovary will get lonely being in there by herself. Perhaps I should build her a lanai. I wonder if Spleen and the Kidney sisters like cheesecake?

  9 Responses to “Operation Uterus Eviction: The Debriefing”

  1. Is it zero buyer’s remorse or seller’s remorse? Glad to hear it went well and I love the Golden Girl reference. Maybe Superovary is the oldest golden girl, the real spunky one? I’d look up the name but I’m on a work conference call.

    • Oh yeah, seller’s remorse is probably the better term, right? And oldest Golden Girl = Sophia. Although Appendix got removed in eighth grade, so she’s probably the oldest & most shriveled by now.

  2. That’s the best internal organs story I’ve ever read.

    • Thanks! Perhaps I should start a new blogging niche. Or better yet, go for a TV deal—Golden Guts! What network wouldn’t want to pick up that pilot?

  3. Love this story and love your blog. hope for you a speedy recovery. Jc

  4. You are a wonderful, hilarious, always insightful writer. I’m so glad you’re recovery is going along swimmingly. Also very glad to hear of our Ipad.


    Could you please start watching Breaking Bad so we can talk about it? Do you already watch it?

    • Thanks!

      And no, haven’t watched Breaking Bad yet. But I’ve heard good things, and if you’re recommending it, it’s definitely going on the “must watch” list!

  5. This should most assuredly be a part of the surgical report.

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