Nov 082011
 

I don’t hide the fact that I hate politics. I realize its importance, but have trouble mustering up respect for the people involved, when it’s clear that both parties are primarily concerned with obtaining or retaining power, instead of, you know, governing.

I was counting down the days until the election today, not because I was excited to make my voice known (for the record, I DID vote) but because I would FINALLY stop having my mailbox littered.


(this was all in yesterday’s mail)

But just because I loathe the whole process doesn’t mean I couldn’t run a pretty kick-ass campaign, at least from an advertising standpoint. I think I have the style down:

JENNIFER’S RULES FOR A SUCCESSFUL CAMPAIGN

All television ads must show a farmer (Republican) or working-class union member (Democrat).

Television ads are also required to feature a minimum of one (1) woman, elderly person, child, and person of color. Bonus points if any of them are in a wheelchair.

Any mention on air or in print of your opponent must feature the most unflattering photo of them you can find.

If you highlight your opponent’s differing viewpoint, you must mention that this differing viewpoint WILL KILL YOUR CHILDREN, preferably accompanied by grainy black-and-white photo/video, possibly in slow motion, and a red DANGER font used over said photo/video.

If you are an incumbent, stress how you want to “continue fighting for the good people of (insert political district).”

If you are the challenger, stress how you are a political outsider, just a regular guy/gal from outside the Beltway.

Whether incumbent or challenger, stress how you are a family man/woman, raised in a small town by a single mom who held down three jobs, one of which was at a mill of some sort, and you still hold on to these values.

If Democrat, yell about how Republicans are stealing your Social Security and health care, but never mention how these programs would actually get paid for.

If Republican, yell about how gay people are ruining the sanctity of marriage, but never mention how you left your third wife while she was in rehab to marry your fourth wife.

When in doubt, blame it on the previous administration.

•••

So, who wants to hire me as their campaign manager? Obama, Romney, you know where to find me.

(I’m Flesworthy and I approve this message.)

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