Feb 192012

I’ve grown to hate clothes shopping for my post-baby body. I’m so hard to fit; my extra weight is all in my stomach area, plus my c-section scar has extra “twin skin” hanging over it (oh yes, it’s just as sexy as I’m describing). Pants are the worst. I need a high enough rise to cover my scar area, but I refuse to venture into Mom Jeans territory. But no new jeans in a few years means most of my current pairs are *thisclose* to some fun upper thigh crotch holes. It’s still winter, I don’t really need breezes in that region. So yesterday, off to the mall I went.

And I got to experience once again the fun of trying to decipher women’s clothing sizes, another reason I’ve grown to hate clothes shopping. Andy has it easy: needs pants, walks into store, picks whatever pair of 34×32 catches his eye, purchases pants, comes home, wears pants. But heaven forbid we do the same thing with women’s clothing. I mean, why make it easy, when it would rob us of fun shopping experiences like the following?

Jennifer goes to mall wearing Eddie Bauer size 14 curvy bootcut jeans.

Goes to JC Penney, tries on about seven or eight pairs of Levis in different styles. Bootcut size 14 fits, but straight leg size 14 seems a little off. Tries on straight leg size 12. Huh. They fit. Gets dressed, heads out of dressing room to gather up another seven or eight pairs in size 12. Tries them all on with varying degrees of success. Purchases two pairs of jeans, both Levis, one a size 14 and one a size 12.

Goes to Ann Taylor LOFT. Having learned her lesson, tries on different denim styles in both size 12 and 14. Size 14 straight leg jeans fit, but aren’t on sale, so they’re put back on rack. Peruses clearance rack, spots corduroys. Tries on gray pair and camel pair, same style, size 14. Camel pair fits, gray pair doesn’t. Gets dressed, heads back to clearance rack, grabs camel pair and black pair, same style, size 12. Camel pair doesn’t fit, black pair does. Purchases one pair of black corduroys, size 12.

Goes to Eddie Bauer, still wearing her Eddie Bauer size 14 curvy bootcut jeans. Grabs size 14 curvy bootcut jeans off the shelf, heads to dressing room. Shakes head in disbelief at how badly the jeans do not fit her. Puts jeans back on shelf and heads home.

So at least I had some purchasing success, unlike 95% of my shopping trips. And I learned the following:

1. Vanity sizing is alive and well.
2. I have magically developed the power to rearrange my molecules, morphing my body into different clothing sizes just by changing pants.
3. I need to patent this newfound power, use the ensuing revenue stream to create a clone of myself, and send that clone shopping instead.


  6 Responses to “This might explain why I hadn't bought new jeans in two years.”

  1. I feel your pain! Last fall, I ventured in to the Buckle. I always thought it a place for skinny teenagers, but I needed x-long jeans, wasn’t finding them anywhere else, and had nothing to lose. While the place has loads of skinny, ultra low cut jeans with highly bedazzled pockets that I could never wear, after a bit of time in the fitting room, I found some jeans that I LOVE and feel great in! You gotta shop without kids, let the associates work for you and be prepared to spend a little more than Eddie Bauer (although not much), but hopefully you’ll have luck, too!

    • Hmmm…I never thought about Buckle. But as I continue Operation Pants Replacement, I should definitely branch out to stores I might not have previously considered. Luckily I live right in the middle of lots of good shopping!

  2. I found a great maker of jeans and khakis that I don’t see around here. They are French Dressing Jeans that I discovered at a boutique in Michigan. They come in straight or curvy and are either at the waist or about an inch below. No pornographic waist. They fit me beautifully.. They are not cheap, but you can get them at good sale price on line at Sierra Trading Post. I have a pair in khaki that are my favorite pants. And no–they don’t look like Mom jeans. (Or grandma jeans.)

  3. Better bring your hot mama jeans to BlissDom.

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.