I know America is a great country, and I’m thankful for my freedom and my ability to vote, but FOR THE LOVE OF PETE THIS ELECTION NEEDS TO BE OVER. I am so over all the shouty commercials and vitriolic social media posts and nothing of real substance being discussed anywhere. At this point, I would gladly vote for anyone, regardless of political party, who could promise me that they could:
• convince everyone in my Facebook and Twitter feeds that seriously, nobody cares about your political beliefs—that Some E Card you posted isn’t swaying anyone; we get it, you’re a genius and anyone with opposing views is obviously an idiot (sadly, those with liberal, inclusive social beliefs have been the absolute worst about this)—and return said feeds to endless kid and/or cat photos.
• allow me to place an I HATE THEM ALL AND WON’T READ ANY OF THIS CRAP AND WILL PROBABLY VOTE THIRD PARTY ANYWAY sign on my mailbox that magically repels any and all political junk mail
• staff all debates with teams of bipartisan fact-checkers; each lie a candidate tells is a strike, three strikes and you’re automatically disqualified from your race
• replace our current national anthem with the Team America: World Police theme
• replace all presidential images on our currency with photos of Jon Hamm
Any future candidate that can deliver on all of this? You get my vote, no matter your party. Until then, I’ll proudly go do my duty tomorrow and fill in my bubble sheet and get my “I Voted” sticker, and then will breathe a ginormous sigh of relief that it’s over for another year.